Dealing with Loneliness

“The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he doesn't exist.”
~ from The Usual Suspects

Halfway through my time here and I’m sliding into the mid-year slump, where I am tired of living here in my place of service, yet I’m not ready to return to the States, either. I feel caught between two worlds, in a place without residence, without rest. Loneliness creeps in like invisible smog, even as I open the windows to breathe some fresh air. I want to feel alive, yet instead I'm gasping for air, being smothered in the deadness of being alone. The resulting bitterness isolates me from others, as I believe the lie that I am the only one feeling alone in this world.

Here are some things I’ve done to try to bring some fresh air to the loneliness I sometimes feel. Not all of them I recommend. Sometimes I think we fail to confront our loneliness, and it becomes a cancer that eats us alive, inside-out. After reading this, I encourage you to ask yourself: “How do I deal with feelings of loneliness,” and “What do I do when I feel lonely?”

- Exercise. You run outside, away from the suffocating solitude and towards places where people are interacting. You lift weights, do push-ups and jump rope, all to feel powerful, to feel alive, to feel that you can make an impact… that you matter.

- Clean. You clean your room, the kitchen, the house. You clean your body by shaving, showering, shampooing… for the second time today. You feel dirty as if you were responsible for your loneliness, and you pursue your innocence as you want wash yourself clean.

- Write. You write down your thoughts, journaling through your frustrations, fears and confessions. You write to friends, not about your loneliness but just how you’re doing, in hopes of that by hearing from them you’ll feel some connection, some taste of the friendship.

- Read. You read about impersonal things, like the news. You read critical things, feeling a part of a group as you agree or disagree with the author’s opinion. You read novels, romances, fantasies, reveling in a character to whom you relate. You read past letters from friends, family and your girlfriend, finding some solace in the words of those people so close to you… yet so far.

- Watch. You watch the news to feel connected to the outside world. You watch movies to imagine yourself triumphing over all odds… or simply living a seemingly normal, depressed life wherever everything turns out OK in the end. You watch people from a distance, wondering what they are thinking and if they feel as you do.

- Play. You play guitar, creating something pleasing to your ear, or play music, vicariously living through other people’s creativity and feeling the pulsing life-force in your veins. You play solitaire, juggle or improve on some useless skill, imagining the ways you can show off- if and when someone looks your way.

- Eat. You feed the insatiable emptiness within with something you created or put together, only to realize a it’s a hunger you can’t satisfy by yourself. You give to yourself what you can, even overstuffing yourself, when what you really want can’t be seen and can only be given by others.

- Work. You go to the office on a Sunday afternoon to finish business that could wait until Monday morning. You fix something or look for simple tasks that you can check off a list, making yourself feel productive and hoping to be noticed.

- Pray. You cry out to God in your loneliness, feeling guilty for just now calling out in your time of need. You confess the selfishness of feeling lonely, of focusing on your own needs and wants and not of others. You dread the silence, the reminder of your isolation from the world flows all around and you remain unmoved.

Probably the hardest thing about loneliness is simply being still. Loneliness is social death, an undesirable condition that’s not so terrible when we realize it’s not permanent. We strive for connection, doing anything, everything to distract our mind from the heart of the issue: we are alone in this world.

Yet thinking, feeling, and praying through this notion, I realize that like all lies, this is only half true. As soon as we think we are alone, we have only to look to the One who is always there to pull us from the pit; to resurrect us. We are not alone, for God is with us wherever we are, however we’re feeling. I am overcome with comfort and surpassing rest when I know in my gut that God is with me; not because I’m pathetic or need attention or am feeling down, but simply because I am the beloved. God enjoys being around me, and together we enjoy ourselves and others, as I’m feeling into the Loving Presence.

You are not alone. You were created and are loved by God, always and forevermore.

“We love because God first loved us.”
~ 1 John 4:19

Now go, love and create.